New here, with a relationship problem (tgirl related, of course)

[thewalkindude82]

Hi there, I've been lurking for a few weeks on this forum, and everyone seems super nice and supportive, so I figured I'd ask a bit of advice from the cool folks here.

I'm in a long term relationship with a genetic girl, but for years now, I've been fascinated and insanely attracted to pre-op transgender women, and within the last year especially, I find myself fantasizing (spelling?) about nothing but the special women that frequent this forum. And this is not limited to just sexual fantasies because I won't lie, girls like Mandy and Yasmine Lee and Holly Sweet turn me on immensely.

My issue is this: I would love to be in a relationship, or at least date and get to know a beautiful tgirl (I'm not a player and believe in respecting and befriending people before getting physical), but I also love my girlfriend, and care about her, yet, I find that it's becoming increasingly difficult to be aroused by her physically and emotionally. She's a great person, but there's something "missing," and I think everyone on this board knows what I'm talking about. Again, I'm not being a jerk and only loving tgirls for their physical beauty, but I just can't get the fantasy out of my head, in both the emotional and physical spectrum.

Now, I don't care about labels and the whole "gay or straight" thing, it's irrellivent (spelling?) to me. All I know is that I'm attracted to the minds and bodies of transgender women, and to me, they don't even need labels like that, they're just beautiful women in my eyes, but I'm scared that this fantasy of having a tgirl girlfriend will kill my relationship and destroy my drive to keep my current girlfriend happy.

I'm really at a loss, and I feel trapped in a relationship that I know isn't going to last forever, but I don't want to hurt her, but I'm scared I won't be satisfied emotionally or physically by her for much longer. Do any of the wonderful women or men on this board have any advice for me? Should I stay with my girlfriend whom I care about, or pursue my dream of falling in love with a wonderful tgirl?

Sorry this was such a big wall of text, I'm just so confused and depressed about this, and I'm a very unselfish person, and breaking up with my girlfriend would be the most selfish act i've ever committed, so it weighs heavily upon my shoulders. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks to all the great people on here for listening to my sob story, and I hope someone can give me some hope, or at least a good first step to a happier life. Thanks again for listening!

[Jordan]

Do what's best for you, YOU have to be happy before you can make someone else happy. As much as we all want to, you cannot have your cake and eat it too! Good luck on whatever you decide!!

[Ecstatic]

Oftentimes we are fascinated to distraction by that which we dream of but have not experienced, to the point where, if that curiosity isn't satisfied, the unrequited desire will overshadow and even crush our real life experience. The solution is to find out what it is you're missing. It sounds to me like you have both a sincere and respectful attraction to transwomen as such (and therefore are not what is disparagingly known as a "trannychaser"), but that you are also (and somewhat conflictingly) deeply fascinated by the fantasy of sexual encounter with a transsexual woman, something you have no doubt seen depicted in movies and photos but not experienced.

Separate these two aspects, and indulge the latter: set up an appointment with a ts escort and find out first hand what the physical aspects of being with a tgirl can be like. Once you've transformed that fantasy into a reality, you'll be better able to move forward, either with your gg girlfriend or to seek a tg girlfriend. But so long as the fantasy is so strong without being actualized, your situation will remain as it is.

[thewalkindude82]

Thank you so much Jordan and Ecstatic :-) Ecstatic especially, thank you for taking the time to give me some specific advice, because I think that's the decision I'll have to make (try a tgirl first, then decide). All you guys and gals on this board are awesome, and you've given me some peace of mind, even though I'm terrified to cheat on my girlfriend with an escort, I have to figure out if it's the right decision for me.

Any advice on my first time with a tgirl? Any recommendations for a particular girl that's great with first timers? I'm in the La/Orange County area. Thanks again Jordan and Ecstatic!

[Mandy M]

Would your girlfriend be open to a poly-amorous relationship? One in which you date her, and date other girls too? If so, then you might be able to talk to her about your fantasies, and interest in exploring an encounter with a TS, hell she might even be interested in it as well. If not, then I think you need to decide how important your fantasies rank next to her place in your life.

Good Luck
Mandy

[Jordan]

Thank you so much Jordan and Ecstatic :-) Ecstatic especially, thank you for taking the time to give me some specific advice, because I think that's the decision I'll have to make (try a tgirl first, then decide). All you guys and gals on this board are awesome, and you've given me some peace of mind, even though I'm terrified to cheat on my girlfriend with an escort, I have to figure out if it's the right decision for me.

Any advice on my first time with a tgirl? Any recommendations for a particular girl that's great with first timers? I'm in the La/Orange County area. Thanks again Jordan and Ecstatic!

There are ways to find a girl thats a non escort, ie: Adultfriendfinder.com local clubs etc. The only advice I can give is just be yourself, a girl can smell fear/uncertainty a mile away. But with an escort you know exactly what your gonna get so that might be the best option. I do know if you obsess on your fascination it can consume you and the "not knowing" can or might be your undoing... I'm sure you will be fine though!

[thewalkindude82]

Wow! I never thought I'd be talking to you Mandy, thank you for your reply, you're gorgeous :-)!

Unfortunately, my girlfriend is super jealous and super insecure, but she's also very much in love with me, so it's a double-edged sword. She most definitely is not open to me or her being with anyone else, so if I did want to fulfill my fantasy, I have two choices: cheat, or break up, and I'm unsure of how to go about either. I've never cheated on any of my girlfriends, but I'm scared to break up with her as well, because it wouldn't just be a clean break. We live together, have friends together, and financial stuff together, plus, she doesn't have many friends of her own, so I would feel like abandoned her.

I know nothing is worth being completely unhappy, and I know we'll break up someday, because I know we're not compatible enough to get married or anything like that (something she pushes for constantly). Plus, it's not fair to her if I'm not 100% into the relationship. So it's definitely a struggle.

Thank you again Mandy, Jordan, and Ecstatic, I love all the different points of view, it makes me feel not so alone.

[Mandy M]

Wow! I never thought I'd be talking to you Mandy, thank you for your reply, you're gorgeous :-)!

Unfortunately, my girlfriend is super jealous and super insecure, but she's also very much in love with me, so it's a double-edged sword. She most definitely is not open to me or her being with anyone else, so if I did want to fulfill my fantasy, I have two choices: cheat, or break up, and I'm unsure of how to go about either. I've never cheated on any of my girlfriends, but I'm scared to break up with her as well, because it wouldn't just be a clean break. We live together, have friends together, and financial stuff together, plus, she doesn't have many friends of her own, so I would feel like abandoned her.

I know nothing is worth being completely unhappy, and I know we'll break up someday, because I know we're not compatible enough to get married or anything like that (something she pushes for constantly). Plus, it's not fair to her if I'm not 100% into the relationship. So it's definitely a struggle.

Thank you again Mandy, Jordan, and Ecstatic, I love all the different points of view, it makes me feel not so alone.

I was once in a very similar situation. Leaving that relationship was one of the best decisions I ever made. You should be honest with your girlfriend (not necessarily about wanting to be with TS women, though you could) about things and deal with a period of difficulty, in the long run you will both be much happier.

It is very easy to get in a relationship, getting out when its necessary is always much harder. Don't worry though, 6 months down the line you'll be glad you did it.

[BeardedOne]

I once said that taking relationship advice from me was akin to getting directions to the next iceberg from Captain Smith. To that end...

It's unfair to your GF that you are in what seems to be a negative spiral out of your relationship with her. I often wonder if I'd have been better off had my last lover told me when she decided our relationship was over rather than let me fuck her for six months past that date believing we were still 'an item'. I think I'd have preferred the cold ditch rather than the lingering death.

I agree with Ecstatic's advice that you might want to explore the reality of your fantasy before you make any life-altering decisions. That in mind, I recommend Lisa who posts on Eros in LA and Vegas. :)

Mandy's suggestion also hit home. Aside from being bisexual, I am also polyamorous and have had multiple relationships on and off throughout my life (Not just sexual threesomes and clusterfucks, but actual, ongoing intimate relationships). I've been lucky that most of my lovers were of a same mind, but as you've said, that may not work for you.

It's so hard for me to define a sexual experimentation as 'cheating', but it is my poly nature to not see that.

Damn. You've given us a tough one.

[thewalkindude82]

Thank you again Mandy, I think I've known for a while now that I would have to be honest and break it off, I'm just scared of what will happen in that 6 months between breaking up and feeling like a new man again, you know?

I know I'll be fine, since I'm the one feeling trapped, but it's my girlfriend I'm worried about. She has a lot of abandonment issues, and I'll just be another person in her life that she's cared about that's abandoned her, and I'd hate to do that to her. She's even said that she would die if I ever broke up with her. I don't know if that's manipulation, love, or a little of both, but regardless, I feel imprisoned, and I'm starting to feel like a liar when I tell her "I'm in love with you." It's been just over 2 years now, but I'm only 25, and I feel like I've never been able to grow a purely independant personality. I'm a people-pleaser, so I've never been very selfish before, but I think I'm realizing for the first time that I'll never be happy unless I try all the things I want to try, and pursue my dreams.

I have a novel I'm writing, and a lot of debt (that I went into because of her) that I eventually want to take care of before I settle down with one person. I've only been in 3 serious relationships, and I know there's the potential for so much more happiness and fullfilment out there, I just hate that I have to hurt a sweet and wonderful person to get there.

Man, this was long, sorry to bore you everyone, I just feel very freed on this board.
And Mandy, what happened with your ex? How did they deal with the breakup? Did you remain friends or did they end up hating you?

[thewalkindude82]

Thanks, BeardedOne, that's a great take on this too, because part of me believes that in a couple of years, she would appreciate me being honest and not stringing her along and forcing her to live a lie.

Man, so many things to think about. I was such a nerd in high school, never had a relationship until I was 18/19, and of course (like Cameron in Ferris Bueller's Day Off) I thought that as soon as I got laid and had someone to love me, all my problems would be solved.

Oh how wrong I was...:(

[flombago]

I know the standard advice is "do not ever cheat on or lie to your woman", but ...

Whether it's right or wrong, the fact is a lot of guys experiment with TGirl escorts. Tgirls are about 25% of all escorts on eros.com. Nice thing about escorts is they are discreet and detached if they are professional (need to be careful here). Of course, the not-so-nice thing is they may be so detached it isn't very exciting.

I think that for non-pros it would be better to break up with your GF first. If you do break up, you might want to use the logic that you don't foresee marriage, so it's bound to end anyway and that you want to remain a supportive friend, etc. However, I really DON'T know enough about your situation to be confident with all that advice. Ultimately it's YOUR decision !

Moral issues about cheating with an escort: 1) It can be expensive, so you are potentially cheating her out of shared income. 2) You might unwittingly give her an STD from the escort. Moderation and strict adherence to safe sex are important in my book of morals.

[Mandy M]

Thank you again Mandy, I think I've known for a while now that I would have to be honest and break it off, I'm just scared of what will happen in that 6 months between breaking up and feeling like a new man again, you know?

I know I'll be fine, since I'm the one feeling trapped, but it's my girlfriend I'm worried about. She has a lot of abandonment issues, and I'll just be another person in her life that she's cared about that's abandoned her, and I'd hate to do that to her. She's even said that she would die if I ever broke up with her. I don't know if that's manipulation, love, or a little of both, but regardless, I feel imprisoned, and I'm starting to feel like a liar when I tell her "I'm in love with you."

People break up, they move on. When a partner threatens suicide to keep a lover, its a very bad scene. It's very common, but very bad.

I split up with my GF when I was 20 after being together since we were 16. I wanted to be polyamorous, and she told me to go to hell. She hated my guts, then she begged me to go back to her, even in a poly relationship, when that didn't work she would call me and tell me she was going to kill herself. Eventually she dated other guys, and we moved on. Leaving her was one of the best things I ever did, for the both of us. Nowadays, I miss her family more than anything, wish I knew how they were doing.

I know its a daunting task, but sometimes you have to hurt peoples feelings because its the right thing to do.

[Ecstatic]

Obviously your situation is far too complex and multifaceted to resolve in a forum like this. Advice is easy, finding the right path for oneself isn't so much. One thing to consider is what is cheating? Simply, of course, it means being sexually involved with someone other than your significant other without your SO's permission, understanding and acceptance. But you're also cheating on your SO if you're not fully engaged and are deeply distracted by your unfulfilled desires and needs.

[thewalkindude82]

Thanks Mandy, flombago, and Ecstatic, I think I have a lot of paths to consider, but now, because of your thoughts and consideration, I have something much more of a concrete jumping off point, which is an ENORMOUS step that I couldn't take on my own. It's like a good movie ending: usually the best ones are the ones that make you think, and don't give you all the answers, and that's what you all have done for me, so thank you again :)

It's funny Mandy, I had the same situation with my first ex, almost exactly! I miss her family terribly. They were so great to me, I was over the breakup in a matter of days, but to this day I still wish I could see them.

Flombago, thank you for your escort experience. I've never been, and you've given me great things to look out for. And Ecstatic, you've really put what "cheating" is into perspective, and if I'm living a lie anyway, what's one time that could potentially give me peace of mind?

Thank you all so much, After only two days I feel much less depressed and confused, and I have the people on this board to thank :)

[phoejay]

just weigh and pick whatever you think would make you happier... its all about taking risks... and hopefully you wouldn't regret any decision.